highlight for a misinformation check/joke spoiler: tthis article is entirely fictitious, meant to provide satirical commentary on san luis obispo’s indifference towards homeless. the last 3 paragraphs are mostly serious tho.
Last weekend, the Karens endowed with the honor of SLO City council held a meeting to gauge public opinion on some revolutionary new strategies for dealing with the cities large homeless population.
San Luis Obispo has received mounting criticism for its apparent indifference towards their homeless population. But as COVID-19 destroys the finances of families across California, the large spike in homeless population has reached a point where even the city of SLO has a problem with it.
The meeting started enthusiastically, with city leaders declaring that they were hopeful one of these ideas would be the solution that addresses SLO’s houseless concerns. After opening remarks, city officials strongly suggested a plan to build “empathy cells”, which would be constructed in 3 strategic locations: the highway tunnel adjacent to Cuesta Park, the Madonna Plaza parking lots and outside the California Men’s Colony. These cells aim to provide the destitute with housing while staying out of the public eye. They are expected to build enough cells to house 800 homeless residents, using the same building plans/dimensions as SLO’s bike safes (although the city is considering an amendment what would add extra holes for ventilation).
After the Shutdown of Sunny Acres, a sober living community in SLO that was found with tenanements that didnt live up to code. The city responded by doing buttfuck all for its houseless.
The council also outlined secondary plans, which included digging a 200-foot hole and pushing the homeless into it, and just ignoring them, hoping they go away.
“I think we made a lot of progress towards extermin- I mean determining the root of the issue”, said a spokesperson associated with the SLOcal government. “We can’t preserve the illusion of San Luis Obispo being a peaceful and prosperous city without getting rid of those eyesore tents along the highway.”
Some have critiqued the meeting saying that instead of making reactionary and short-term decisions to support the homeless tackling systemic issues like high housing costs would be more effective. They also point to the cities infrastructural shortcomings, like only offering a single homeless shelter (40 Prado) with a mere 100 beds for a homeless population of over 1500. Meeting officials curtailed these claims, exclaiming “how are we supposed to make money if we help the poor people?”
Some would also argue that at least part of the issue falls on a militant SLO Police Department, which often enacts laws that were specifically created to punish the homeless. However, since SLO PD would never abuse their power by attacking benign or peaceful groups (like I dunno… BLM protestors) in their own community (with I dunno…. Tear gas?), this seems unlikely.
Ultimately, as SLO sees more luxury condos go under construction and the price of living continues to rise, you can tell they are working tooth and nail to provide the homeless with as much indifference as possible.
The SLO Cracker 